Just Hear Me Out

True JOY

2011-11-18T21:40:00.000-08:00

My wonderful friend was encouraging me today about loving myself because it is glorifying to God if we are loving ourselves. 1 Cor. 6:19-20 says that our bodies are temples that house the Holy Spirit so we are to honor God with our bodies. So we are to love our bodies enough to have our bodies be a sacrifice for the Lord. Also, did you know that it says "Love your neighbor as yourself" 10 times in the Bible!?
There was a cheesy acronym that I learned probably in middle school that used JOY to describe in what order we are supposed to love people.
J- Jesus
O- Others
Y- Yourself
We are to love Jesus first, then put others above ourselves, and lastly worry about ourselves last. I completely agree with this because Jesus repeatedly says in the Bible that we are to lay down our lives for our friends. In Philippians 2:3-4 it says "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." It even says in the Bible we are to value others above ourselves. We should constantly looking for ways we can be loving others in our lives instead of focusing on ourselves.

The thing that gets to me are the verses that say "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF". If you don't love yourself, how are you to love others?

This is what I've been dwelling on a lot lately, and probably my whole life. There have been times where I have been pretty confident in myself, but I don't remember a time where I have really loved who I am and loved myself fully. My friend who was encouraging me today; she LOVES herself. She is trying to lose some weight because she knows she isn't as healthy as she could be, but she is so confident in her skin. She loves her body; she loves her personality; she loves who she is and who God created her to be. The encouragement she lavishes out on the women in her life is UNREAL. She is so inspirational and encouraging. I truly feel this is because she has learned how to love herself so she is able to love others.

I need to learn this. I don't really love myself so I don't really have the desire to love others. I am always worrying about how I am being perceived and what I should be doing or what I am supposed to be saying. I'm always looking for acceptance from others and trying to do or say what others want me to do or say. Instead I should love the Lord first and be getting my acceptance from Him and having His truth define how I view myself. I need to love myself and view myself the way the Lord does, then I will have more love to pour out on others because I won't be so self-conscience all the time.

It's so frustrating when I'm in a crowd of people and I constantly am thinking about what others are thinking about me and what others would want me to be doing at that moment. Even in one-on-one conversation, I'm always worried I'm not saying the right things or I'm not looking the best I could be that day. I'm always trying to impress others because I desire their acceptance so badly.

This is going to stop. I'm going to start doing things for myself so I love myself more. I want to be more fit and actually focus on my studies so I learn more. I want to dance- I'm trying out to be in a hip hop dance club on campus. Once I start loving myself because I am doing what I want in life and using the skills and desires God has given me, I will be able to pour out on others and love them better.

So for a while I need to focus on myself. That's selfish I know but in order to love others and live a life glorifying to the Lord I need to get some stuff figured out for myself then I can focus on what God has for me and how He wants me to impact those around me.

Prayers are appreciated.

Trust

2010-09-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

Trust is one of those words that has a large amount of value and importance behind it. The dictionary defines trust as confidence in something and relying on the strength and surety of someone or something. My pastor on Sunday talked about how we struggle with trusting God. The message really hit home with me.

I can tell you all day that I know God is in control of my life; He's the one who is orchestrating my life and He's the one with my blueprints. I know He loves me and wants the best for me. But are these things something I really believe? Are these things just something I can spurt off because it's head knowledge or do I really believe them in my core and completely trust in them?

There are certain areas of my life that I have no trouble trusting God with. I trust that He is going to provide food and shelter for me. I trust that I have friends and a great family to support me.
But then there's things that I don't completely trust Him with.
I know that He is going to provide a wonderful husband for me one day. But I don't really believe it because I don't lift my worries up to God when I'm struggling. I struggle each day to trust that God is going to provide a perfect guy for me and that I don't need to feel like I have to strain to make every relationship with a guy go the way I want it to. My parents are struggling with their relationship right now. I don't trust that there's going to be a good thing that comes out of this. I know God is going to use me in great ways in the future but I don't trust God with my every day right now so how can I say that I trust Him with my future? I don't trust Him in my relationships with my friends and that He will actually use me to change their lives.

There's a huge trust issue I have with God. It might be the fact that I have had problems with trusting the people in my life in the past so I project that to my relationship with God. But the thing is God is the One we can completely fall back on and trust completely. He is rooting us on and is going to be there through the thick and thin. He isn't ever going to leave us and He is fighting for us every day.
We are able to trust Him with every aspect of our lives because He's going to guard and protect us.
This semester I want to learn what that looks like. What if I would start actually talking things out with God and just spilling everything about my life to Him? What if I trusted Him with every aspect of my life and not just the parts that are easy to surrender?
This is gonna be challenging but exciting.

What is the desire of your heart?

2010-05-26T20:41:00.001-07:00

My friend Joey said such an awesome thing tonight at a Bible study I was at. We were talking about prayer and being able to get yourself to actually want to pray and not just doing it because you feel you have to. He said that everything we do in life is because of a desire we have to do it. If we're hungry, we're going to desire to eat something. If we want to be healthy, we're going to desire to eat a salad and not a cheeseburger. Whatever desire is greater in us, it's going to take over and we're either going to eat the salad or the cheeseburger.
Every action is a result of a desire.
Now here's the thing I struggle with. I can tell God I love Him until I'm blue in the face, and He'll know I mean it because I really do love Him. But if I desire to spend the whole day watching TV, being on facebook, and sleeping instead of spending time in the Word and talking to my Heavenly Father, then I'm not really showing God that I love Him. He's not the desire of my heart.
Psalm 40:8 says "I desire to do You will, O my God; Your law is within my heart."
If you love the Lord, the desire of your heart should be to praise Him and want to follow His will for your life.

The other desires of our hearts aren't bad things though. God made us to have certain desires; to desire to be a certain way, do certain things, obtain certain goals.
Psalm 103:5 says "who [God] satisfies your desires with good things..."
The Lord will use our desires and use them for His glory. We don't have to be ashamed when we have desires, like some desire to teach and others desire to be nurses. God placed those desires in people's hearts and will use them to bring Him glory.

And one more verse...
Proverbs 11:23 "The desire of the righteous ends only in good, but the hope of the wicked only in wrath."
Righteous: acting in an upright, moral way
The righteous have good intentions and the desires of their hearts are good and pleasing to God. They can be used for good- to bring glory to God.

So what I've learned today is that every action we do is result of a desire in our heart. We can desire some bad things in life like some greasy fries and a big juicy steak that won't be nutritionally beneficial to us. We can even turn something good, like desiring a mate, into a bad thing, like desiring a boyfriend so badly you sleep with many men to feel loved.
Some of the desires of our hearts are good and placed there by our loving Father who wants to satisfy our desires and make us happy. We will only be happy by using our desires for His glory.
And last but not least, the desire of my heart needs to be God. I desire to be lazy a lot and just sit around and watch TV but if God is the desire of my heart, I should want to spend time with Him and bring Him glory.

This is honesty...

2010-05-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

Well I feel at any moment while writing this I'm going to stop typing and exit out of this screen. But hopefully God will help me to finish this post.
The thing is, this is probably going to be the most honest blog I've ever written. God pretty much just set a mirror in front of me and told me to take a good look at myself. I haven't really taken the time in a while to do so. Also, I was reading a devotional and it mentioned Jonah in it. Then I went back and started reading through the story of Jonah and it hit me how similar he and I are. And it's not pretty let me tell you. I wanted to write this down because I want God to start changing me this summer and working on my heart so I turn from my Jonah ways. I know I will forget what God has taught me tonight if I don't write it down somewhere so here it goes...
Jonah was a man that God entrusted something great to. But Jonah, instead of following the will God had for him, he ran away and hid from God. I am a lot like Jonah in the sense that I love God and I want to glorify Him through my life. I'm sure Jonah would've said the same thing. Except when the Lord says for me to do something, I get scared and run away and feel as though I am not good enough and not prepared well enough to be used by God.
Just like Jonah prayed to God when he was in the belly of the great fish, I know that I can pray to God and He will help me through any tough time I am going through.
This part of the story is actually encouraging to me. When Jonah finally follows what God commanded Him to do, all He does is go through the city of Nineveh and say "Forty more days and Nineveh will be overturned." He doesn't give any great speech or perform any miracles, he just tells them the truth and what God told him to say. I am not good with words. If I can sit down and think about what I want to say to someone, I can write a letter like no other and get my point across. But in the heat of the moment and I'm trying to think of clever things to say, I am just very bad at saying the right things that people need to hear. But Jonah didn't have anything clever or super smart sounding to say, he just said what he needed to and the whole city repented. Now that's God's working right there! I learn from this passage that if I trust God, He will work his magic through me no matter how inadequate I am for the job.
This part is the part I don't really want to admit because it makes me sad I am like this. But the truth of the matter is I am just like Jonah in that I am very selfish. I love it when God does awesome things in my life and answers my prayers, but then when I see God working in others' lives, don't get me wrong I'm excited for them, but I get kind of jealous and then disappointed that God isn't just doing things for me. Jonah wanted the Ninevites to get what they deserve, but God showed them compassion and didn't punish them. Sometimes I actually enjoy seeing people get what they deserve because I feel like that's the way life should run. But the thing is, if I got what I deserved I would be going to hell, but I'm not. God has forgiven me and showed me compassion and I am going to live eternally with Him in heaven. I don't deserve that at all! So I need to work on being truly joyful for others when God works in their lives and not have my walk with God be all about me. I have gained so much wisdom this past year that is just sitting in my cranium. I need to be sharing the things God has been teaching me so I can see others be able to live the joyful and abundant life I have been able to live. I'm tired of just living for myself. I am going to start working on being less of a Jonah and being more like the Keelee God has called me to be.

100% Healing

2010-04-11T12:06:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to an incredible and powerful 3 hour worship service (or a party worship service as they called it!) Everyone there was completely worshipping God with all of themselves. You could tell because some people were throwing their hands up, some people were jumping, and others were dancing so crazily. But no one cared what others were thinking about them. They were all completely focused on the Lord and were worshipping Him and giving Him their all. It was just such a cool sight to see.
The thing that hit me the most was something that one of the leaders said. She said that ever since she started to pray for the campus, she's been seeing people get healed. Healing mentally, spritually, and physically. She said something cool though; she said that when God heals He heals 100%. I have been carrying around a lot of baggage for years. I haven't been able to let it go because honestly, deep down inside, I didn't think God could handle it all. I wanted to just take care of myself and be in control of a few parts of my life. The thing is, God wants to heal me COMPLETELY, 100%. And I want to be fully healed. It's so easy to say to God, "OK you can have all of me now" but when we actually go to put into action, we are so scared to leave someone else in charge of our lives.
I have been scared to let Him in charge of my future and my relationships. I thought I would help God out and say "Well I'll handle this if you handle the rest." The thing is He has such an awesome and perfect plan for me and He can't lead me where He wants to if I'm trying to handle my life on my own. I need to surrender everything to Him and just trust that He knows what's best for me and that He has the most perfect plan for me.
At this moment, I am ready to completely surrender all of me to God, but for me it's not so easy. I have a lot of baggage to get rid of and for some it might be as easy as just giving it all over to Him in one night. But for me it's going to be a slower process.
If you could just pray for me that God will keep healing me. The baggage that I've been carrying around has caused some damage in my heart and I still need healing. I want to hand it over so just pray that I'll hand it all over to God and I won't be scared to trust Him with my life.

He can heal you too if you let Him. He loves you and wants you to be healed so you can experience His joy and peace and never ending grace. He is an endless ocean of grace and He just wants to shower you with His waterfall of love and grace. Will you let Him do it?

Peace Beyond Description

2010-03-28T17:37:00.001-07:00

Well I just wanted to share what happened to me this weekend.

It was absolutely incredible; so incredible in fact that it can only be described as an act of God.

I went to the Women's Beach Retreat for Campus Crusade. All the girls there were so amazing, vulnerable, and just so real. All the senior girls that shared just poured out their hearts to us and showed us the struggles they have gone through in their pasts and how God has worked in their lives to help shape them into the beautiful, God-fearing women they are now.

Our theme verse for the weekend was Hebrews 6:19 "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

It was such a great verse for me to hear. I have always heard that God is my friend but I've never actually let it sink in. This weekend God has just showed me that He is there with me at every second of every day. God doesn't wait until I am in my room by myself with a Bible in my hand or when I'm in a church with a bunch of Christians around to speak to me or fill me with His presence. He's with me at all times. He is also my friend, and the greatest friend I could ever ask for at that. He is firm and secure. I have some pretty great friends but none that I can feel completely secure in and ones that are going to be there every second of my life.
I've always known that God is my friend but it was just like the Spirit helped me see it in a whole new way. It was pretty cool. And now I just have so much peace because I don't have to strive to find God; He's always with me. It's just so cool to think He's always right there for me to talk to about anything.

God, please?

2010-03-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

This is what I've been saying to God for umm... probably my whole life.
I have lived a pretty "holy" life. I have never smoked, done drugs, drank alcohol, I rarely cuss. And I take pride in the fact that I think I'm this good Christian girl that never does any of those "terrible sins". That's a load of crap because God sees every sin as bad in His sight and as something that separates us from Him.

I also surround myself with Christians, I go to Bible study, I go to Cru, I attend church every Sunday, and even go to prayer group once a week.
These are awesome things, and I'm not saying I'm going to stop doing these things because they help me learn more about God and I get to hang out with Godly people. But the thing is, I hold these against God. I always feel like God owes me something because I do all these great Godly things and I feel like I'm helping Him out, so He should help me out. So I tell Him what I want from Him. Did you hear how ridiculous that sounds...ME ASKING GOD TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME!? Who the heck do I think I am? The God up in heaven who created the heavens and the earth and created ME in my mother's womb, and who sent His son to die for all the rotten things I have ever done and will ever do. I mess up every day and His grace covers all the crap I do. But yet I feel like He owes me something? Holy crap my view is messed up.

Stephanie Johnson said something tonight that hit me hard. "We can't serve God fully if we want something from Him." The thing is I can't live for Christ's glory if I feel like He owes me something all the time. That's called PRIDE. And I see now I have a huge pride problem.

The truth is, God doesn't owe us anything. We don't deserve anything. What we deserve is to live lives separated from Him and live in hell for eternity because we are some messed up peeps! But God says He loves us anyways and He still forgives us EVERY SINGLE TIME we mess up. Now that's some super lovin right there.

I am so glad for Stephanie's honesty and realness tonight because I learned a huge flaw I have and I'm going to start work on my pride issue. I just want God to be glorified through my life so badly and I don't want my pride to get in the way.

When you get to a point in your life when you can give up the one thing you hold dearly because you know having God is so much better than that thing, that's when you will have true freedom in your life.
I need to come to a point where I can say if God wants me to live single the rest of my life, I'll be ok with that. But that's not my heart right now.

Please let this "marinate" with your heart and really dwell on the one thing you have a hard time giving up for God. And just remember that God doesn't owe us anything. Be humble in your life and ask God to work on any pride issues.

Thanks for reading :)

Perfect? I don't think so...

2010-03-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. --Psalm 18:30

My world got ROCKED tonight. Two wonderful Godly women got up in Cru tonight and talked about their struggle with perfection. Now I knew that I am kind of a perfectionist when it comes to papers I write and projects I do for school. But it didn't hit me till tonight that I am a perfectionist in more ways than just in my work. I take things a little too far with myself, and I'm never happy with anything I do. I beat myself up if I mess up in life. That's why I usually don't try new things and don't get out there an live life like I should. I know I'm going to mess up and I can't handle it.

The thing is God is the only perfect one. I am never going to be happy if I try to be perfect. I always am going to look for something else that is wrong with me. If I say "Oh I'll be happy when I lose a few pounds." Then when I lose some weight, I won't be happy. I'll keep saying that I need to lose more. I always say to myself "I'll be happy and guys will think I'm pretty when my hair grows out and I get rid of my acne." You know what, any guy should think I'm pretty now, at my worst if he's a true friend or if I'm going to pursue him as a boyfriend. I am never going to do something well enough that I obtain perfection so I'm happy.

We just have to try our best and when we screw up then we say "You know what. I'm not perfect; I'm human. That's why I need God's grace because He's the only one that's perfect."
And we need to be happy with ourselves right now. Yeah we might want to get in shape and be more healthy. But trying to look pretty for someone and lose weight or even trying to get a certain GPA isn't going to bring you happiness. Maybe temporarily, but then you're going to look for something else that's wrong and that you want to change.

Just be happy with what God has given you and when you screw up, ask God for forgiveness and accept that you aren't perfect. Trust in the one that is perfect.

Hope that made sense :)

Down the Drain

2010-01-25T19:52:00.000-08:00

Basically most of my new year's resolutions have gone down the drain. But I've gained new ones that I know I'll be able to keep.

I'm going to read more from the Bible and read more books by Christian authors. But I am not going to be able to read the whole Bible from start to finish this year. I will do it eventually though.

I'm going to read more books. I have grown fond of reading lately and I just know I can learn so much from reading.

I'm going to exercise more. I've also grown fond of running. It's just so exhilarating so I'm going to start off slow but soon I want to run at least 5 miles every other day.

I want to write more. I just wrote 4 pages in my journal and I feel great. It's so awesome to get my thoughts down on paper so my brain is more organized. It's also great to go back and look over what I felt and learned in my life.

The last thing is to drink more water. I'm going to try to start drinking 64 oz. each day because that's what you're supposed to do and I know I'll feel healthier when I do.

Well there you have it. A bit easier list of resolutions for me to do and I know I'll be able to handle them. :)

Here's to 2010

2010-01-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna be honest. I don't like making new year's resolutions because I know by the time April rolls around, I either forget my resolutions or just lose interest so I give up. But this year I really want to keep up with my resolutions. This year is going to be different.

I feel like if I write them down here so a few people can see them I will feel obligated to keep on going and keep up with them. So here it goes... here's my resolutions.

--read the Bible in a year

--get all A's and B's in my classes

--be less selfish. think of others before myself.

--read more. I have 4 books I want to finish.

--exercise! I want to lose 8 pounds and get my abs back.

--find something I'm passionate about.

Thanks for reading :)

Girls Are Stupid

2009-12-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah we are. Gotta admit it.
We know exactly what we're doing when we start drama with people.
We just bring up stupid stuff so it starts a fight.
And then we kinda regret it, but we actually deep down inside really wanted it to end up in a fight or in a bad way all along.
We just want a reason to be mad at you.
Or we just want you to feel bad so you say sorry and try to make it up to us.
Yeah we know what we're doing.
Don't be fooled.

Sorry for that. I just needed to get it off my chest.
And I apologize to you mostly for being a stupid girl.
I'm trying to change, I really am.

Phillipians 2:3

2009-12-05T21:55:00.001-08:00

Well I just watched this beautiful movie about love. Yes, it's a chick flick. Chick flicks are really the only genre of movie I enjoy. Sad? Yes, I think so. It's because I love when the two people end up together in the end and they're happy.
But after I'm done watching it, I feel helpless and I wallow in self pity. Why? Because I'm pathetic.

Love. I don't think I know anything about love because I screw it up. I screw love up. "Love is not selfish" the Bible says. Well I am very selfish so I am not good at love.

The ultimate sacrifice was made about 2000 years ago by a guy named God. He sent His only son Jesus to die a painful death on a cross for us. We don't deserve it! We are sinful, selfish, ungrateful pipsqueaks. But God loves us so much that He sent Jesus, a perfect sinless sacrifice, to die so that we wouldn't have to endure eternity seperated from God. Now that's some pretty good stuff.

You know what though? I always lose sight of that. One day it'll be sunny and everything is going perfectly and I'll look up at God and say "Hey thanks. I love you." The next day, it's pouring down rain and everything seems to going all wrong in my life. I look up at God and say "Yeah, I thought you loved me! Why is this happening to me if You love me?" and I get angry with God. Just because He didn't please me one day with a perfect day. What is that? I don't deserve anything! I don't deserve to even be able to talk to God, but He loves me and pours countless blessings upon me. And one day I'll live in heaven with Him, the ultimate reward. And I am so selfish that I can't praise Him on the days that don't go MY way?

Yeah, I'm gonna start praying pretty hard about a change that needs to take place in my heart. I have lost sight of why I'm on this earth. I look at people and ask how can they help to please me and not how can I show them love so they can see God's love through me? I want to start loving on people more and thinking of others before myself. It's what God wants for my life.

Don't Judge, please

2009-10-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

Well when I came to college I started to realize how much I silently judge people. It's horrible. I'm a Christian and I'm not supposed to judge people. In Romans and 1 Corinthians it says that I am not to judge others because only God can truly be the judge.
But I still find myself sometimes thinking thoughts such as "Wow. That girl should not wear that. I would never wear that." "That guy cusses constantly. He's so bad. I don't ever cuss." I don't mean to judge others but I'm always worried about how others perceive me because I am a Christian and I'm supposed to be perfect. So I try to be this perfect person. Yeah I know it's not possible; no one's perfect. Well I try to be.
I try to be perfect for God and earn His love. God loves each and everyone of us unconditionally. Nothing we can do can make Him love us any less or any more. That means that He loves us all the same. No one person is better than someone else in Christ's eyes.
So my goal is to start loving others the same as God does and viewing others the way He sees them. I can't think of myself any better than any one else just because I don't dress like them or act like them. I'm a dirty rotten sinner just like the next guy.

DON'T JUDGE. it's not your job.

Not a Simple Life to Live

2009-10-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

I have been attending a church in Wilmington called Lifepoint on Sunday nights. I have fallen in love with just everything about the church and I get excited for Sunday night every week.
Last week the pastor, who is an awesome speaker, spoke about a "legend" that most people think is true about the Christian faith. This "legend" is that the center of God's will is the safest place to be. He said that this is the opposite of the truth. It's not safe to be in God's will; it's actually quite dangerous.
This really struck me hard because in the past few months I've been earnestly seeking for what God's will for my life is right now and for my future career. I have really been seeking it and wanting to be in God's will, but what the pastor had to say kind of scared me a bit and made me double think if following God's will for my life in its entirety is truly what I want to do.

The pastor talked about how Jesus didn't die so we could live an easy and safe life. John 16:33 states "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
We WILL go through hard times if we choose to follow Jesus. Most of the disciples, Jesus's closest followers, were killed in a brutal way (stoned, crucified upside down, etc.) because they were sharing the Gospel with others.
When you choose to follow Christ, you will be mocked, ridiculed, shunned, and even maybe brutally hurt because the world doesn't accept Jesus. But, you can rejoice because there will be many many more blessings and riches ravished upon you if you choose to follow Christ and not the world. God is a loving God and He wants all of His people to hear about Him, no matter what cost it takes. He will be with you through every step of the way, but it will be difficult.

I will end on a positive note... the last part of John 16:33 says "But take heart! I have overcome the world!" Jesus has already come to earth and conquered it and death. If I am in the center of God's will, I am following the One that has already been through this life and has conquered it. He knows all of the struggles I am going through. If I trust Him, I might be shunned by this world, but I would rather be accepted by the God of the universe than the people on this earth.

Passion

2009-09-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well I am filling out a volunteer form for something and one of the questions is "My greatest passion in life is..." And I'm struggling thinking of something to write down. This just hit me really hard because my mom has always mentioned that I'm not really passionate about anything but I never really listened to her. I believe she's right though. I love the Lord, I love softball and volleyball, I love helping people, I want to save turtles, I love learning about the environment. But am I really passionate about anything? I think that's why I feel like my life is mediocre. I'm not full out PASSIONATE about anything. It's sad but I really don't think I'm passionate about the Lord. I love Him so much and love learning about Him and praising Him, but when it comes down to being passionate (expressing, showing, or marked by intense or strong feeling) about Him, I'm not sure I can honestly say I am. Now sure I know our relationship with the Lord isn't supposed to be run by our emotions, but if you really love the Lord shouldn't you express your intense feelings for Him?

The thing is... I actually just thought of something. I have my headphones in and my iTunes on my computer playing some Tenth Avenue North. I listen to music every single day. I always am looking up new bands and adding more music to my iTunes inventory. I can't go a day without listening to music. It's what puts me in a better mood when I'm feeling down. I am passionate about music!
Now maybe I can start applying this passion to my relationship with the Lord. What if I spent less time looking up new bands and more time reading my Bible? Instead of turning to music to help put me in a better mood, what if I sit down and pray and listen to God? Just the thought of the Creator of the universe wanting to have a relationship with me should put me in a great mood.
I guess for now My greatest passion in life is... MUSIC but one day I hope to be able to say my passion is the Lord.

Someday soon?

2009-09-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

Well I have been struggling with something lately and I wanted to talk to you all to see if anyone struggles with the same thing. It's probably a girl thing, but maybe some guys struggle with it also.
I am the type of person that loves to get attention from other people because it makes me feel great about myself. My confidence during the day is determined by how much attention I get.
Yeah it sounds self-centered and crazy but that's how I am.

The great thing is is that God has been helping me with this. He has showed me that He loves me no matter what I look like, how I dress, how I do my hair. He loves unconditionally-no matter what. I just have to trust Him and be content with being loved fully by Him.
The greatest struggle I've had though is thinking about my future husband. I'm only 18 so it's silly that I'm even thinking about marriage because I don't want to get married for a long time. But I do think about it constantly. When will I meet him? Who is it going to be? And then I start worrying about changing myself so I can attract the right guy. Why do I think I have to change myself? My husband should love me for myself!

I have been trying to choose the guy that I think is right for me, but God knows me better than I know myself. He knows my needs, desires, attributes, everything about me so He will know the right guy for me to marry. I just need to trust Him and know that He will bring the right guy to me. So I should stop trying so hard.

It would be great if people would leave comments and tell me how this post impacted you. Are you going through the same thing I am? Or are you not worrying about it? If so, it would be great if you could leave some tips. :)

Well here it goes...

2009-09-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna be honest with you... I have no idea what I'm doing.
I have heard about blogging but I've never really read many blogs and I have definitely not written any. So I don't really know what to write about. But I just feel like telling people about my experience I had this past weekend. I have an easier time with being honest and telling people about my life in writing rather than talking face to face with someone.

Well I went with Campus Crusade to a place called Camp McNeil this weekend. I was nervous because I only knew a few of my girl friends going there. But I have seen God work in awesome ways in my life the past few weeks so I was really just trusting Him to teach me some more amazing things about Him. The people that put this weekend together did an amazing job. Everyone had such a fun time whether it was dancing crazily at the hoe down, playing capture the flag at midnight, getting messy with chocolate pudding or eating baby food, jumping in a dirty lake to get clean, making s'mores, or singing random songs like Disney princess songs by the campfire. Also just getting to know other Christians that go to the same school as me was a great experience just to know that I'm not doing this all on my own.

Saturday night about 10:15 we started a praise and worship time. The band played so loudly and everyone was just bellowing out praises to God. Not just singing, SHOUTING unto the Lord. I looked up and this thought came to my mind that my friend, Josh, was talking about the week before. He was talking to me about how he used to think that being in heaven and praising God for eternity would be kind of boring; honest statement. But then he said after worshiping one night at Overflow (a college group that meets weekly to praise God and learn about Him) that he was just overwhelmed with joy while praising God and he was like "wow I really would be content with doing this for eternity" And that's exactly the thought that crossed my mind. I couldn't stop smiling while singing. I was just so content with standing there singing to God for the rest of my life. Sure, my voice might get a little hoarse, but then I'll start dancing. haha. I love to dance. ANYWAYS... then we sang Jesus Paid It All. And we came to the part that goes "Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead." Now I'm usually a little nervous to raise my hands in worship but my hands just shot up in the air. I couldn't help but just praise God completely and just surrender to Him. It felt so great! I felt so free and just like the song said, God has given me life and I don't have to worry about my sin! I've never felt so much peace and joy at the same time in my life.

The speaker, Darren Russo, was so great. He said something in particular over and over again this weekend and that was that we are new creations when we surrender to God and also that we are found NOT GUILTY before the throne of God. We don't deserve anything but death because of our sin. But God sent His son, Jesus, to die on the cross so our sins could be forgive and we could be found not guilty! Isn't that awesome!? How does that make us want to live though?
Many people feel guilt after they do bad things. When you follow and believe in Christ, you have the Holy Spirit within you that convicts you when you sin so you feel guilty and confess your sins to God. What I struggle with all the time is trusting that God actually forgives me, especially with really big sins that I just can't forgive myself for doing. I let my sin bring me down and I let it depress me. I just can't believe how God can forgive me after I disobey Him. But if you honestly seek forgiveness and repent of your sins, He forgives you and you are found not guilty.

I have just fallen in love with the Lord this weekend. I want to praise Him through everything I do and just follow Him daily.
I know it's going to be tough, but one day with God is so much better than a whole lifetime without Him. I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally get it, but I'm glad I do now.